Words Matter, Behavior Tells

I was raging, shouting unprintable words. I was by myself, except for Little Dog, and I scared her.

There was a big family gathering. I didn’t know about it and wasn’t invited.

It was a party celebrating the wedding, which had already been held, of my grandnephew, the grandson of my brother. 

I don’t know these relatives. I have not kept track. There’s no reason to do so. The relatives seem to have developed into a clan. Where and when an event occurs, they all show up.

My thoughts on weddings are not traditional. I am not interested in babies and how often they throw up, so I would not be a cuddly person if I did attend. I would likely make my beliefs and interests known. It's better to stay away, and keep with like-minded people and our dogs. Words matter.

I found out about the event because my brother was on his way to attend, driving for two days. He had a heart attack before he got there, almost died, and ended up in the hospital. All of a sudden, I was contacted by numerous members of the clan. He might die. He needed emotional support. He needed to be physically rescued. They would keep me informed.

I was informed to the point that I went into a rage. He was under expert medical care, he wasn’t going to die.

Here he was, this elderly man driving for two days to go to a party for his grandson.

The same grandfather who had recently boycotted the actual wedding of his granddaughter, who married a woman. He said the wedding was too far to travel. Words matter. Would he have gone if his granddaughter had married a man?

This man had been a pilot, career Air Force. Maybe he forgot he could travel by air in a matter of hours. Behavior tells.

I have remained polite to my immediate relatives. I have sent the obligatory cards and made the phone calls. This time I didn't. 

I held up a mirror to the clan’s behavior. The mirror replied, “you are the fairest of them all.” Words matter. This grandson was evidently far superior, therefore the after-wedding party was an occasion for the entire clan to attend.

My niece's event was boycotted. Behavior tells.

By inference, the bigotry and homophobia exhibited to my grandnieces revealed itself indirectly to me.

I grew up as a lesbian in an unaccepting world. I survived by isolating myself and developing armor. I was used to these attitudes. My grandniece was not. The actions of some caused a lot of pain for her and resulted in rage from me. She fully expected the “clan” would rush to her celebration and welcome her union equally as they had with numerous other weddings and events.

There were no lessons to live by taught in my family, no words of wisdom as doled out by the wonderful families on TV. Words matter. No words hurt also, and behavior tells.

So, I was in a rage at my brother. I wanted to rip into him verbally then never speak to him again. I wanted to reject him as I figured he was the behavioral personification of all the rejection in my life, and of our other universe, our special universe.

I decided that maybe if that was the way he thought, and believed, I wouldn’t really want to be in contact with him ever again, or the rest of the clan, for that matter.

I had a friend in grade school. We rode the bus together, played together. For some reason we got mad at each other and wouldn’t speak to each other, let alone sit together on the school bus. This went on for weeks. All of a sudden, I realized it was dumb. I went to her and made amends. I told her I was sorry we acted like we didn’t like each other anymore. I wanted to still be her friend. I was.

Holding a grudge was stupid, in my opinion. What kind of grudge does it take to falsely prop up one's ego? Who is the one missing out?

I finally realized maybe I was the one being stupid.

I made attempts to contact my brother and wasn’t able to get through, which magnified  my belief of his rejection.

We finally made phone contact. I had the wrong phone number in my book. He was so excited and thrilled to hear from me, to tell me about his experience in the hospital. He also said he has a new appreciation of every single day of life, every minute, and that one never really knows how much time they have.

I was able to tell him in a very subdued and diplomatic manner that, basically, he had been a jerk. Not just in his failure to make his granddaughter’s wedding a priority, but in many other instances, as well. He likes to stiff people financially. He thinks it's funny. He has no concept of the ramifications of his behavior. Behavior tells.

But the broader issue is, doesn’t he have the right to his own preferences? I was angry, upset and hurt. He boycotted my grandniece’s wedding. He showed favoritism. Doesn’t he have the right to have a preference? After all, he is a male, programmed from birth as to their superiority.

I have displayed my preferences. 

I will not rush to any of the clan's events.  

Behavior tells.

Contemplation: How do preferences and discrimination become magnified by rejecting behavior? Why is it likely to intensify the ensuing hurt and loss? Does it have to be recognized for acceptance and healing to occur?

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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Photo Credit: © 2024 Rachel Gareau