Moving On

Lynn Brooke
Mar 1, 2024
7 min read

My path in life has always been to move forward, sometimes on straight non-productive paths, then have to make adjustments and get on with life. Standing still is in reality moving backward, as the world moves on. You have to keep up. If only I could Take Back Time.

Sometimes moving on has resulted in embarrassment when things and interactions were not having good outcomes, or blaming someone else, or the system. I discovered early on that following the siren song most usually would lead to the non-productive path.

Because I survived by developing social armor at an early age, my outlet and method to move forward was to work. I would take on almost any work, cleaning a church or a chicken coop (the church was the better of the two), cleaning a clubhouse or people’s houses, whatever was needed.

When I was older and could be legally employed, because of my age, I worked as a waitress and as a soda jerk. I had three jobs at one point to bring in enough money for personal needs.

I never really experienced a loss, except for one time when I was asked to leave my training program because of involvement with a woman there. I didn't count that as a loss, it was just a temporary setback. I found a job until I could get into another training program, finish and move onward from there.

Now I have had a loss, a major loss, the half of me that truly thrived.

Those that have followed my journey through this loss, the grieving, the struggles to climb out of pits of despair, the attempts to remain positive and the importance of developing healthy new routines, have seen me arrive at a midpoint in the grieving process.

I am no longer knocked down every day by grief. My wife remains a shining fixture in my life every day. I attempt to build on her wisdom, to seek out how she approached problems and solved them, how she showed no fear and how she exemplified the courage of her convictions.

I can’t be her.

I can see she had shortcomings and thrived in spite of them. I can trudge on through my shortcomings, use what positives I have to enter unknowns.

This will be my last post.

I started the post by deciding to write articles based on Robert Havighurst’s Developmental Tasks. Specifically, the task of Later Maturity.

One of the learning tasks in successfully adapting in Later Maturing is to Adjust to the Death of a Spouse.

I didn’t write an article on this task. How can one ever learn how to adjust to this? I wrote the blog and posts instead on endurance, acceptance and avoidance of the siren song of self-defeating behaviors. I keep moving forward.

Another learning requirement of this task is Meeting Social and Civil Obligations.

My social obligations are limited. I don’t wade into groups and spread good cheer. I interact on a one-by-one basis. I have a neighbor who needs help. I can drive her to and from the doctor for her appointments. All I have to do is look around. Due to circumstances beyond their control, people need help.

Civil obligations are a windfall. Can anyone benefit from my experience, my life, my blog?

It came as a surprise to me, and was reported by different sources after my wife died.

“You and your wife have been my heroes, who I looked up to, who gave me courage, to have demonstrated goodness, who I have attempted to emulate.”

Wow.

Good grief! And I thought we were free-wheeling, making our own path, following our own common sense laws of conduct and rightness, contributing to society instead of decimating it, and living our own lives of what was right for us, not what someone else decided we should be, and/or do.

The accolades belong to my wife.

She was a warrior. She wouldn’t back down from a path that was right and she might have occasionally blown obstacles out of the way. She schmoozed her way through when it was appropriate, and would ask for assistance over rough spots. She got what she wanted.

She plowed through. I followed in her wake. It was easy for me, a smooth path.

Now here I am without her. Talk about Naked and Afraid.

I undertook the blog to honor her, and to share my experience of loss and grief, in hopes it might provide comfort to others who are experiencing the same.

My wife did social work at one time. She wasn’t educated in that field so she approached methodology in her own fashion. She believed that people needed to better themselves, so how to motivate them? Sometimes it was to shock them.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself and expect everyone else to. Get your ass in gear and make the right changes in your life.”

Sometimes it was the stimulus that worked. Sometimes it was kindness that she displayed toward people, and also praise of their actions and of their efforts. Sometimes self-defeating behaviors were so embedded, there was a brick wall that could not be overcome.

One thing about words, they can come back at any time and provide a guideline.

I don’t have her ability to instantly assess the situation and propel into action. What I do have is a feeling of what is right, what matches and what is necessary. I have had instances where others sought me out to solve their problems. What they wanted me to do was to carry them. When I pointed out the futility of doing so, they weren’t happy. One failed to graduate, another failed to succeed in a business venture. What they didn’t understand was they had to conjure up the answers to their problems. They had to do the work. They had to look within themselves to find a way over their roadblock. I could point them in a direction, but if they couldn't overcome this problem, what would they do the next time?

I have had to find my own way through loss and grief. Look within myself, figure it out. Answers don’t come from others or floating out of the sky.

I am still figuring it out.

I am still grieving. There are times when I am overcome and can’t go on. I permit this and I don’t want grief to become bottled up to explode in an unacceptable manner or on an inappropriate target. I am honored by my grief. It is a measure of the love shared between me and my wife.

Now it is time to move on from my blog. I have an idea for a story-line to develop into a book. I don’t know if I can write a book, I won’t know until I can, or can’t. I wouldn't know if I didn’t try it. To my knowledge there is not a book-attempt police. It's another matter should it ever be finished. I wouldn’t start with these negative possibilities in mind.

If you have read, shared or traveled with me on my blog, I am honored.

I am going to attach some of the lessons that I have learned while writing my posts and contemplations that evolved. You can look through them or toss them. The actual posts are still online if you choose to go back and look at any of them.

Some of the contemplations from the posts:

Do you take pride in your accomplishments and who you are?
What do you want? How are you going to achieve that?
Who is in charge of your life?
Will good twists and turns of life happen if you let it?
Are we in tune with messages not received?
Can we have faith that change can occur?
What kind of units are available to measure bravery?
Do our loved ones visit or send warnings to us?
How much should we invade another’s life, trying to be helpful?
How do preferences and discrimination become magnified by rejecting behavior? Why is it likely to intensify the ensuing hurt? Does it have to be recognized for acceptance and healing to occur?
What devious methods can be contrived to overcome inertia?
What in life is providing opportunities?

Some of the lessons learned are numerous:

Grieving is not an emotional weakness.
Trust is as trust does.
The joy of sharing continues even after loss.
Think about how little things can brighten up everyone’s day.
Small things can add up to be major occurrences.
Relationships need nourishment.
Fear is like worry, it can eat up energy without accomplishing anything.
Fear can guide us or sink us.
Memories will stay with us forever. Focus on the good ones.
There will be good and bad days while grieving. Reach for the positive.
Nature will teach us if we pay attention.
Embrace family.
We all need a dog to ride shotgun.
Nature isn’t always kind, but it is preferable to the violence of some human groups.
We may not like some messages, but maybe we should listen.
Recognize dreams and listen to their messages.
Be aware of poisonous plants and poisonous people.
There is no easy path in re-entering life after loss.
We are all the same in loss, under the skin.
When we are re-entering life after loss, it is important to put things into perspective. We need to revive and release the ghosts in our memories, to embrace the wonderfulness of those times. It is cleansing and necessary preparation to wipe the slate and let new things into our lives and hearts.
Appreciate the joy of a pet.
Be a good neighbor.
Sometimes we need to learn what we need.
Develop healthy routines.
We need to be needed. We need to have purpose.
Boundaries may need an occasional tuneup.
Actions speak louder than words.
Grieving has its own timeline.
Loneliness can precipitate positive or unhealthy behaviors.
Re-entering life after loss is about hard work.
Memories are to be cherished.
Trust in others, but be aware of wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I hope someone is being kind to you and sharing. I wish and hope you find love and comfort in your life. I care.

Sincerely,