Crisis in Loneliness, Aging Lesbians are Us

Crisis in Loneliness — Aging Lesbians are Us

 

 

By Lynn Brooke 

 

Females, for 20 to 30 years of their lives, and who are now aged 70 to 80 and over, with a woman-to-woman sexual orientation, were considered mentally ill. For another 14 years of their lives, they had psychiatric labels of lesser disorders. 

 

Mental disorders were removed from the Diagnostic Statistical Manual, DSM, in 1973, but during this earlier time frame kindly parents and professionals attempted to make these individuals “normal,” and some continue this practice to this day. Lesbians and males were “treated” with conversion and aversion therapies, drugs, hospitalization, electroshock and even lobotomy. They were “educated” as to what constituted acceptable normal behavior. They were disowned by their biological families, and/or considered oddballs. These women (and males) responded in various ways, including hiding and denying their desires, becoming invisible, marrying men, looking and acting extreme, and developing unhealthy addictions.1

 

Lesbians live, and lived, in a “parallel universe.” Their lives, loves and travails were precious, but not to be viewed or shared with the “outside universe.” This aging lesbian group coped with lifelong practices of hiding, downplaying their emotions, viewing “outsiders" with suspicion and keeping interactions with the “outsiders" superficial. They have been overlooked and misunderstood. Still, women are tough, and through cleverness, determination and courage, these women survived and are reasonably well-adjusted. Now they are aging and face challenges unique to their very nature. Outcomes of successful aging are dependent again upon their resourcefulness and determination.

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Due to secrecy, privacy and lifelong habits, the actual number of aging lesbians is hard to determine.2 These results are confusing, to say the least, but give rough numbers. A Gallup poll in 2022,3 reported 7.1% of all adults in the United States identified themselves as LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) while Migden4 reported that 20 million adults, or 4.4% of the population, identified themselves as LGBTQ+. Within the LGBTQ+ community, 14% say they are lesbians.2 Actual numbers of women from the 2011 self-identification polls were 4,00,834. In the 2021 Gallup poll,6 women born before 1946 comprised 0.2% of the overall LGBTQ+ age group. The next age group, 1946-1964, comprised 0.4% of all adult members.

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The Williams Institute7 compiled demographic data of same-sex couples (adjusted estimates) in the United States, where 352,680 households were identified as same-sex couples. The percentage of these couples raising children ranged from 8.7% to 20.3%. Fifty four percent of these couples were female (190,447), mainly White but all races were represented. The average age of the entire group was 44.7 years, and among those, 88% had health insurance, 4% were unemployed and their average income was $56,200.

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Migden4 reported that 4% of the LGBTQ+ population identified themselves as bisexual. With individuals born prior to 1946, 0.2% identified as bisexual, compared with 0.1% within their own demographic group.3

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The numbers are significant, and as a precursor to the thundering herd that will mature within a few years, those over the age of 85 comprise the fastest-growing age group in the country. It is estimated that 140,000 Baby Boomer lesbians will retire in a few years and face developmental tasks of aging.8

 

This review of aging will explore the physical and physiological changes that occur and one developmental theory of aging. The approach is mainly inferential, as research is limited and not totally current for this group. The author will interject opinions and assumptions regarding issues. Potential interventions and actions will be suggested for problems arising from failure to achieve certain developmental tasks.

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Aging happens and with advancing chronological age, changes occur physiologically, along with susceptibility to illness and disease. One definition of successful aging is for the individual to achieve mechanisms to compensate for limitations.16 Another approach is psychosocial, and yet another involves learning to meet developmental tasks associated with these changes.

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So what is age other than a number? Chronological age may be categorized as the young old or late adulthood, which is ages 65 to 74; the oldest old, which is 85 plus years; and centenarians of 100 plus years. 

 

As chronological age advances, there are physical changes that occur. These changes are not age-specific, nor system-specific, and occur and progress differently in individuals. One 80-year-old individual may have the resources of a 70-year-old, while another may resemble a 90-year-old. Factors such as personal health habits, disease and illness states will also be reflected in the exhibition of decreasing abilities. The majority of the “young olds” are not incapacitated and are independent with respect to daily living, while three-quarters of the “oldest old" also remain independent.8

 

Physiological aging changes and outcomes from these changes will be reviewed. You all know what these are, but specific changes sometimes precipitate unexpected consequences. This selective overview includes normal changes in the skin, hair, strengths, breasts, senses, function and disease states. The overview describes decreasing physical strength, medical issues and common disease states. Potential issues created by the changes are suggested.

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The skin becomes thinner, paler and clear. It develops age spots and annoying growths. There is less oil and sweat production. Aging skin is prone to tears and bruises.17

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There are changes in the hair all over the body, especially head hair, which progressively turns white. Hair thickness declines, as well as the rate of growth.18

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The appearance of the face changes. There are wrinkles, possibly blotches and dark spots, the nose and ears may lengthen and the lips and eyes may appear shrunken. Facial hair may become coarse. The face doesn’t appear as plump and smooth as in earlier years.19

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Muscle strength decreases, while joints may stiffen, resulting in overall fatigue and weakness. Posture may become stooped. Height may decrease up to 3 inches. Bones become more brittle and are at risk of fracture.20 There is a greater risk of falls. Pelvic floor muscles may weaken, making it harder to hold in urine. (Stress Incontinence can happen as a consequence of sneezing, laughing or lifting.)21 

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Breasts become smaller and less full, resulting in breast sag. The areola becomes smaller.22

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Hearing acuity may decrease, especially that of high-frequency sounds. Balance may be affected, which can create problems with sitting, standing and walking. Close-up vision is commonly affected, resulting in the need for glasses or surgical procedures. Tear production decreases. There are increasing problems in differentiating blue from green colors. Peripheral vision decreases, along with tolerance of glare. These changes can affect driving safety. Taste sensitivity decreases, saliva production decreases and the sense of smell decreases, leaving dangers of ingestion of contaminated food. The sensation of touch may be reduced or changed. There is decreased temperature sensitivity, which could result in burns. The ability to detect vibration, touch and pressure also decreases.23

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Various types of memory loss are common in the aging individual. Normal losses can include simple forgetfulness. Some experience the blocking of names, dates and events. Slower reaction time is also common. These losses usually are more disturbing than problematic, but may result in impatience during conversation with others.24

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Aging lesbians have a higher incidence of medical issues than their counterparts in the “parallel universe.” While the same treatments exist for both groups, treatment may be underutilized in the lesbian community. This may be a consequence of past discrimination or hesitation to seek treatment. Partnered lesbians have a longer lifespan than their single sisters. Part of this may be due to consistency in such areas as diet, stress reduction and medication ingestion. 

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What becomes a problem for the non-partnered group is when care is required. There are treatment miracles, including new parts, such as knees and heart valves. There are new biologicals for disease control and new techniques for symptom alleviation. What continues to be lacking is the availability of post-surgical care or treatment for the non-partnered. Following a knee replacement, for example, there are several days when the individual must receive assistance in toileting, eating and pain control. 

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LBGTQ+ are twice as likely to age alone and four times less likely to have children.25 Who will care for this group if a friend or family is not available? It could well influence the non-partnered lesbian to postpone, or even refuse, interventions for fear of not having a caregiver. For sure, an advocate to ensure appropriate treatment is mandatory for the aging lesbian.

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Chronic disease and illness have increased frequency with chronological aging and studies have found this to be more so in the aging lesbian. There is an increased incidence of high blood pressure, diabetes, coronary heart disease, metabolic syndrome, (diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity), arthritis, osteoporosis, Parkinson’s disease, dementia, depression and suicide.16,26 These conditions need medical intervention.

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Maintaining strength and prevention of illness can be augmented by healthy living habits. Being partnered or married has been verified as resulting in better health and longevity. Additional factors include physical activity and exercise, an active sex life, stress reduction, leisure activities, a healthy diet, routine health checkups, smoking cessation, drinking only in moderation, abstinence of substance abuse, positive sense of sexual identity, spirituality or religion, social resources, support and connectedness.16 How do you teach healthy living in an individual who no longer cares? How do you ensure healthy living in an individual who no longer cares? These are ongoing issues.

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As chronological aging advances, and eventually strength and health decline, the aging lesbian faces adverse outcomes. In the 1950s, a developmental psychologist, Robert Havighurst10 at the University of Chicago, proposed a learning theory to successfully accomplish declines. The theory addressed developmental tasks across the ages of a lifetime. These tasks were separated into six stages with specific tasks to be learned in each stage. The achievement of the tasks were highly time-and situationally-dependent based on the following factors — Physical maturation, Personal values and Pressures from society.11

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A developmental task, according to Havighurst, is one that “arises at or about a certain period in the life of an individual, the successful achievement of which leads to happiness and success with later tasks, while failure leads to unhappiness in the individual, disapproval by society and difficulty with later tasks.11

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Havighurst’s first task in the “Stage of Later Maturity” (60 years old and older) is of concern to the aging lesbian. This task, adjusting to decreasing physical strength and health, may present the greatest difficulty in achievement of all of the tasks. The previous tasks (infancy through middle age) depended on expansion of self, family, and society. Motivators were “pushers,” what was expected and what had to be done. 

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This final task consists mainly of retreat or defensiveness.13 Society does not like to hear of retreat: it connotes cowardice, lack of courage, weakness, and lack of fulfillment of responsibility.14 In the extreme, in past wars, soldiers who retreated were shot. As a consequence of negativity towards retreat, the aging lesbian may actively resist adjusting, and resist any efforts of others attempting to assist. She may view the task as losing control, losing power, becoming vulnerable, and an affront to her self-esteem.

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Can retreat be morphed into a positive objective? Can analysis and careful planning reverse negative connotations? One plan would be to recede; to retreat in an orderly manner, thus maintaining dignity. In "Exploring Your Mind", the authors suggest that quitting is not an act of cowardice, but an act of bravery, requiring prudence and emotional intelligence.15

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Adjusting to decreasing physical strength and health,12  an assessment would consist of what are needs, and how much help is indicated: Who is the recipient? Is it the recipient? Is it the primary or other: spouse, wife, dependent, pet? What are resources? How is this affordable? What are other factors, as impediments? The findings could consist of needing only interim assistance, such as lifting, and moving. Ongoing needs could include heretofore mentioned activities of daily living: cleaning, eating, major issues as home, and/or auto repair. Major needs could indicate the necessity for caregiving services such as feeding, movement, toileting, and others. What is normal or expected for the situation and time.

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How much help is needed of course depends on the need, and what resources are indicated, and available. As lesbians, especially in this age group, live in a ”parallel universe,” the first source of assistance has always been from their social network,16 Are they partnered? Who are friends? Are their friends from the “other universe”? Who is available to help? How much and how willing? According to Sage Facts,25 fifty four percent of elder care recipients receive care from their partner while a quarter receive care from a friend. LBGTQ+ are twice as likely to age alone and four times less likely to have children. Many are alone when they most need help. How can this group receive help? How resistant are these individuals to change?

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The author divides lesbians into three groups, the Never Evers, the Eurekas, and the rest. The “Never-Evers” are born pure lesbian, 100%. They know at a very early age they are not like their sisters, who are not lesbians. They have no attraction to men; they are not receptive to “girly” toys and activities. They do not like frilly clothes. They want to play with the boys, but not be one. They basically have no role model; they don’t want to be their dad, and their mother is strange to them. They become protective as they advance in age, from attempts to change them; from ridicule because they are different. They become protective of themselves. They develop armor. They galvanize themselves from the outside world who does not understand them. They often lag in social interaction because they have not had an appropriate model to teach them. They want to date the girls the boys in their class are taking out. They may go to extremes and adopt male-like behaviors and appearances. They may develop an appearance of sameness to the outside universe, but are not a part of it. They want to be with women, and cherish those they are with. They keep their “parallel universe” separate and protected from the outside world.

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The “Eurekas” are born with a different scale of lesbianism. They may range from 4 to 7 on a 10 point scale (The author’s invented scale). They like or don’t mind “girly” things. They identify with their mother and accept the maleness of their fathers. They learn to socialize and interact as a female in the world. They marry and have children. Then they meet a woman. WOW! They find they have such a strong attraction, they leave their “outside universe” and revel in the rewards of being loved and cherished by a woman. They have come home.

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The remainder are a mixed bag. Many swing between men and women, depending on availability and circumstances. They are fairly comfortable in both worlds, yet settle in neither. They may be your date today, and living with a male the next. They present perplexity to the “Never-Evers” and curiosity to the “Eurekas.” They are a source of complete confusion to the “outside universe."

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These classifications of lesbians affect the willingness of others, especially in the “other universe” to offer help. Provisions of help can be augmented or inhibited by the initial appearance of the aging lesbian in need. Those with an appearance of babyish features (larger eyes, higher eyebrows, smaller nose, thicker lips, and rounder face; the ultra fem?), elicit impressions of warmth, low power and low competence. This appearance would potentially augment helpfulness from others. Those that look familiar are judged more trustworthy. It is possible the aging lesbian may resemble the “helper’s” grandmother, although older looking faces do precipitate impressions of being less warm and healthy. An unfortunate adaptation by older lesbians of a neutral expression (lack of expression) learned to assist as a means of being invisible, has been found to be perceived as angry. Lesbians exhibiting faces male-like may also be perceived as angry, resulting in being less worthy of being helped.27

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Formal resources would consist of community and government programs and services, agencies, insurance, military, and the Internet to name a few. What has been the past experience with outside agencies? Is there still discrimination in provision of services, or by the individuals providing these services? A crucial resource is the availability of funds. Are there disposable funds, or is it day-to-day? Is there insurance that covers needs? Are there volunteer services in the community?

 

Legislation has protected some with the Respect for Marriage Act of 20229 but did not mandate equality. Nationwide, same-sex couples still cannot marry in many states, although their marriage rights must be respected in all states if the marriage occurred in a state that authorized the marriage. Discrimination based on religious beliefs has been legitimized with this act. Discrimination endures, and negativity remains. Lesbians feared, and not revered, are viewed as a triple threat to society: being a woman, being aged, and having a same-sex orientation. The author, picking up certificates of death of her spouse, saw the woman in line behind her gather her children up when the clerk was corrected that her spouse was a woman not her husband. How frightened this woman must be, that an aged lesbian might turn around, touch her girl child, and turn her into a lesbian. Would this woman do anything to help a lesbian? Or would she admonish her for being one, and support attacks on her?

 

While help is crucial, there are impediments and pitfalls to receipt of this help. Self-defeating behaviors are behaviors that sabotage an intended goal. It is entirely unlikely a social or personal resource will continue to help if the recipient squanders the help by unacceptable behaviors. The “helper” may view behaviors as procrastination, overspending (on non-necessary items), self-pity, constant attention-seeking behaviors, alcohol and drug abuse as an indication of unworthiness.28,29 A helper who perceives she is being taken for granted, or is expected to do even more, can lead to feelings of resentment and anger. The helper will not continue to help.30

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The aging lesbian who needs help can overcome impediments while maintaining dignity. First of all, she must welcome help; she must unlock previous negative attitudes; she must thank the helper, she must stop self-defeating behaviors, even if therapy is indicated31 (Many resources are available via the Internet). She must acknowledge her pride and become humble in acceptance.32 She must accept that help may arrive in forms not previously up to her levels of perfection. She must accept that help may even exceed her knowledge levels.33 She may need confrontation from her social network that she must become accepting. These are tall orders for the aging lesbian, who, in many instances, was able to become old because of her self sufficiency. Accepting help is not easy, but increasingly necessary as aging progresses with loss of strength and capabilities.

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Reciprocity is a major issue in getting help and assistance.32,34 The mature lesbian has been declared mentally ill for a large percentage of her life. She has been the target of discrimination, both socially, and in the workforce. She may have been the target of taunting and even physical attack. In many instances she has chosen invisibility, or she may have adopted an aggressive personna. This individual has survived, mainly based on her own strength. For her to require assistance is a major issue. How can she maintain her pride of accomplishment (of living to this older age) and need help at this stage? It is important for her to accept help without appearing needy or ashamed. She must be humble, yet she must pay her own way. For sure, she must assess formal assistant programs, as community or governmental programs to determine if discrimination persists. She must determine if help from the “other universe” is real or a scam. She must prioritize her financial resources: what to spend now, and what to save for needs as aging progresses. She has to determine how much help she can ask of friends without exceeding a quota of good will. Gabrielson2 reported that aging lesbians were likely to have higher poverty rates and lesser Social Security than their ”parallel universe” others. Dollar payment in kind is equal, but does she have adequate funds to hire help? Can a service be exchanged? Reciprocity can consist of bartering. Can babysitting for a neighbor repay for mowing the yard? What is the exchange rate for cookies?

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Getting drastically needed help by the maturing lesbian certainly presents challenges. There is no knight in shining armor arriving for the rescue. The consequences of not achieving the developmental tasks can result in negative conditions: unhappiness, resentfulness, envy, blaming, anger, and mental and physical suffering. Yet the lessons and challenges previously learned and mastered have prepared these women for this task. There are no do-overs. This is the last stage and it is critical to get it right. The resilience, determination and perseverance of this group has prepared them for achieving help when it is needed, yet the nature of many prevents this.

 

We must ensure our lesbian sisters are not alone. What happens if they isolate themselves and do not receive help? Social isolation has been associated with premature death; with an increased risk of dementia; with an increased incidence of heart disease, and stroke; with a higher rate of depression, anxiety, and suicide.35 

 

What can you do to help? Do you have a friend or acquaintance who is sitting at home alone? Could you spare a little of your time to physically visit her? Personal interaction is vital for survival. Take time to share a little of yourself. Develop a group to go and do things, or just go visit.

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What is being done: Short addendum since the initial article was prepared.

 

The coalition for aging LGBTQ+ in Texas, sponsored a workshop in April of this year 2023, addressing legislative and legal current events, resources on financial planning, 

Medicare and Social Security, cyber security and staying informed and safe as you age “2023 - 6th Annual Summit on LGBTQ+ aging” (https://cfa.lgbt/lgbtsummit.html). Coalition for Aging LGBT. Retrieved May 20, 2023.

 

In June, 2023, there is a virtual conference focusing on interdisciplinary practices and community engagement for people working with LGBTQ+ older adults and caregivers. Information about the conference can be found at lgbtgeldersconference@gmail.com.

“LGBTQ+ Elders 2023 Conference.” (https://lgbtqeldersconference.org). Retrieved May 20, 2023.

 

Author's note: As a consequence of preparing this article, the author and Master Blog Team started blogs: ourthirdchance.com and lezbychance.us.

 

If you have had a loss and are experiencing it alone, please visit me and join in at lezbychance.us. We have a journey to undertake in our efforts to re-enter the world. I look forward to hearing from you. 

Sincerely, 

Lynn Brooke

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