What Do You Want?

It’s a new year. It's the other side of that demarcation that is only a number, but based on nature's progression. The day today is basically like the day yesterday, pretty much what we make of it, somewhat, but not totally. Do we make resolutions? Can we straighten out the past year?

My psychologist friend shared what she would ask her clients. “What do you want?” They were seeing her to get treatment for self-defeating behaviors, depression, anxiety. She said they didn’t know what they wanted and it was her job to help them find out.

She asked me the question. I couldn’t answer her. It seemed I had about everything I ever wanted.

• The woman I loved.

• A successful business.

• Fishing trips when we could find the time.

• The ability to afford good cars and living arrangements.

• Friends.

I certainly didn’t want for anything.

Then my wife became ill. Dementia showed its ugly head. I knew what was coming. It was not what I wanted, but it was inevitable.

She knew it too. She said she wanted to sell our beautiful home, close our business. It was time and we did.

We moved back to where we met, where we had fallen in love.

Her disease progressed. I cared for her, along with help from the outside. She died, not from her disease, but from a coincidental incident. I was spared the horrors of the progression of her Dementia.

Everything I had ever wanted, and had, was gone. I was devastated.

She was a ship that plowed the seas, rough or calm. I rode along in her wake. As a person with social anxiety, she put me in contact with others in a safe environment. It was what I wanted and could handle.

Now, I’m adrift. It’s a new year. A new time in life.

What do I want?

It is a lot easier to identify what I don’t want, versus what I do want

I had started a new friendship with a couple. They had good intentions when they decided what I needed.

• To be living in a care facility.

• To have someone besides myself guiding my finances.

• To travel.

• To spend my time, idling with others, who also have no responsibility.

• To not have to work to keep up the house and constant repairs.

They obviously didn’t know me. This was their list.

I wanted none of their list, although they meant well.

Other friends are worried about dying alone. Many of my old friends did. They were discovered when they didn’t show up somewhere. It is macabre, but is a reality when living alone. People do fall and are unable to reach help. People do have heart attacks.

A lot of us LGBQTIA+ do die alone. Someone in a relationship does die first. It's reality. My spouse left me alone. It’s OK if I die alone, compared to being in a facility.

What I do want is for someone to make sure my dog doesn’t suffer because of it. I have several people who will care for her on an interim basis, until her “new person” takes her.

I don’t want her (my dog) to die before me, then I really would be alone, but that is likely. In dog years, she is older than I.

What I definitely want is to have purpose. A few of my friends who have had their spouses die have questioned their worth. They cared for them, their spouses, until they died. Now they don’t really have anything to do. I think I have become some of their purpose. I’ll accept that.

I have a lot of purpose. I write. I need to write. I need to share. Whether anyone reads my words or benefits from them, is up to them. 

I hope I comfort some. I hope those who have suffered loss know they are not alone in their grief. That grief and grieving is good, although terribly hard. That it is a measure of the love they, and I, have for loved ones who are no longer with us now. That new doors can be opened, and are opening. That if I, as introverted as I am, can venture through these doors, they can also. I want that for them.

I also hope I rattle a few cages. I hope to stimulate awareness. It is not my responsibility, but an opportunity to promote growth. 

It's what I want, but have no way to measure, with the exception of those of you who respond.

I want to share, to have someone to share with. This is a big desire. Someone to share a sunrise, to share a joke. I can’t make this happen full-time, only in increments. I now share with friends here and afar.

I want to love and be loved. That is happening. Love transcends distance and time. If it is given, it is always there. I am fortunate. I am loved.

I also want to be in control of my own life. That is an ongoing battle. It’s amazing to me how many people think they know what I should have, and do. Not only have they decided that I didn’t want the box I had asked them to deliver to be left where I had asked, but they also attempted to decide what I should put in my cart at the grocery store. Outsiders want to decide what I should think and feel. When I’m not able to be in control of my own life, I will ask for help.

I saw a cane at the hardware store that has a shock trigger embedded. I carry a cane, periodically, until I get my imbalance treated, which I am in the process of doing. I may get one of those canes and gently place it against the next person who decides what I want, and is making a decision for me.

I want to meet new people. That is a hard one for me. I have to develop a better plan than the one I have.

I want to become more healthy. Translation, lose weight. A plan is in effect and is definitely measurable. I can keep track.

And most of all, I want to remember and cherish my past wife. I want to let grieving occur and progress at its own level and time frame.

One friend says, my wife and I will reunite again in another life. Another says not to scatter our ashes as cohesion of our ashes is necessary for us to meet again.

As scattered and full of chaos as my daily habits and plans are, I think I will stay with the here and now. I don’t have control of that “after time.”

Contemplation: What do you want? How are you going to achieve that?

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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Photo Credit: © 2024 Rachel Gareau