Weakness is Measured in Numerous Ways

Life lesson: Grieving is not emotional weakness.

It seems people are taught and expected to stay “strong” in the face of a disaster, which may be many things, including an illness, a bad diagnosis, a tornado or a loss.

Some say others “cry at the drop of a hat,” meaning the show of emotion isn’t seen as a sign of manliness or maturity.

Males, especially, are programmed from birth to refrain from showing emotion. It is no wonder they die so much earlier than women. All of that grief takes its toll.

I rarely saw my wife cry. I didn’t cry much myself, until now.

She was small growing up. Her mother taught her to be fierce, carry a big stick and use it, if necessary. The military reinforced the lesson.

I just learned on my own to not show emotion, any emotion. It was a protective measure. Being a lesbian back then was emotionally dangerous. No one even said the word, let alone thought it.

I can’t remember when my wife cried. I do remember it was a shock to me and tore me up inside.

She didn’t cry when she was diagnosed with malignant cancer, which she didn’t have. She didn’t cry when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, which she did have, and had to have a breast removed. She didn’t cry when her mother died.

When she was falsely diagnosed with malignant cancer, I went into the basement and cried for days. She went to work.

She told me she cried when she heard Vince Gill’s song “When I call your name.” The lyrics are, “‘Cause nobody answered, when I called your name.”

While I was earning a degree, she wanted me to be closer to the college, so we bought a house close by. It was brand new, but it leaked, year-after-year. I would roll up the carpet and move us to another room and the builder would come with his caulk gun, which was about as effective as spit.

She had an abdominal problem and had to be hospitalized. It was Christmas time when she was released. I said to hell with it. Rainy season is over. I am going to decorate our nice living room, so I put up a Christmas tree and decorated it all over.

It rained.

It leaked on her tree.

I moved us back into the other sitting area.

She found someone to correct the numerous construction flaws and we finally enjoyed our home.

I didn’t know how much it had hurt her until it came out in our eventual lawsuit. The builder had to pay for all repairs, which were obvious construction flaws.

I still don't show much emotion in public. Early lessons are hard to overcome.

I am crying tears now, for her loss, for the void in my life without her. I cry for her.

“They” are right. There is weakness, physical weakness, when showing emotion. The crying does leave me weak. That is not, however, emotional weakness.

I am emotionally strong. I am strong enough to cry for her, and to cry for me. The only way I could keep from crying is if I were indifferent to her, to my loss of her.

I am very strong.

Today, I share my strength with you. If you are grieving, it is OK to grieve, and to cry. It is a measure of your love for, and the loss of, your loved one.

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau