Unexplained Visits

My GP (Grief Partner) and I had a luncheon date set for today. We have become close since our significant others died a year ago. I haven’t seen her since she moved into a rental a few weeks ago and I was really looking forward to seeing her. She called last night to let me know that she had gone to Vegas for the weekend and her return flight was delayed. It was fiercely windy here last night, so I wasn’t surprised that flights were delayed over the mountain.

She texted me this morning to see if we could delay our luncheon. I was about to be disappointed. She wanted to have dinner instead. She had a doctor's appointment at noon. I was up to my neck in packing. Dinner was a good idea. I had loads more to do.

We had a while before dinner, so when she came to my house. I shared about my visitors, new business venture, packing and the readiness of my new trailer.

She had some news she was reluctant to share. She bought a house, which wasn’t nearby, but was close to her son. I had emphasized how important it is to stay with history, so she anticipated I would be upset about her decision.

I am very pleased for her. It is two blocks from her son’s home, in a neighborhood of established, retired people. It is close to shopping and entertainment. Her grandchildren are thrilled. They can bring their dog over to visit. They can visit after school.

I complimented her on making a good decision and reassured her that she has been making good decisions since her husband died. She said he is still here, that she carries him within her, that she felt he has been instrumental in the events and decisions that she’s made and that he had been giving her guidelines.

She wondered if I had similar experiences with my wife, who also passed away a year ago. I did have a strange occurrence, which was very upsetting. I didn’t know if she, my wife, was visiting from across the veil, or if I was having a delusion. I told my GP it would be very difficult for me to likewise be carrying her, it was brutally painful to release her to her mother like I did the Day of the Dead.

She wanted to be with her mother the last several years of her life. She didn’t know me, and was very frightened to be in a strange house with a strange woman. She had advanced dementia by then, but at least she was still here, my wife, whom I loved dearly for more than 50 years and forever.

I explained to my GP that it was so painful to release her when I did, that I didn’t know if I could go through it again. If she was doing this “from beyond” visiting, then I would want her to be here all of the time. How could I endure it if she left again? How could I go out into the world and attempt to re-enter life? I am so selfish. I want her with me always, but I cannot think of the ongoing pain of grieving. Was I asleep and dreaming during the day, or did she visit me? Is that what all of those nightmares have been about? Did she need to get me a message so desperately that she had to visit?

I told my GP about a dream I had a few nights ago. I was kissing a woman, really kissing. It felt so good. I was about to expand my horizons when the dog woke me up. Good dog. I was probably moving too fast. The woman I was kissing was a woman I had never seen before, a small woman, smaller than me and slender. She had dark hair, all physical characteristics not typical of my “type.” I’ve always been attracted to athletic type women, not too tall, graceful and blonde, like my wife.

What was the visit about, if it was a visit? Was this what the nightmares have been about? In my nightmares, my wife has been rejecting and leaving me. Leaving me bereft.

This last dream was no nightmare. It was a night reward. My GP suggested that the dog had been licking my face.

Then we had to discuss the dreams. Were the messages a signal to move on? That it would be OK with her if I did? I can barely stand the thought of doing so. The reality of doing so is slim to none. The single women I have come in contact with are alien to me. They are generations below me, the age of my children if I had had any, with interests far different and they are still working. Their age-related developmental tasks are far behind me. I have my own developmental tasks to learn.

The available women of my age are few, far between and not of my orientation. They have been thinned out by early deaths, disease and disability. It is reassuring that should one of these angels on earth drop into my life, I have been prompted to at least be receptive to possible involvement. Has one Pot of Promise taken hold? I am looking forward to more night rewards.

My GP asked if I believed in ghosts. I don’t know. I try to keep an open mind. I just know I was spooked all evening, the evening of the “visit.” So was the dog. We both kept checking all of our rooms. No one was there.

This was a one-owner house. The builders died. I don’t know if they died here. Now I am really getting spooked. Maybe I can rent rooms as a haunted house.

I don’t know about ghosts. I just know what my GP thinks and experiences with her past husband. During this “visit,” did I send a message of rejection to my wife? It tears me up to even think about it. I just want to protect myself. I want to re-enter life. It is complicated enough without visits from my long-gone wife to sort out. If she is sending messages, I am too dense to decode them.

I just wish she had been here earlier to assist me in fixing the sprinkler.

Let me know how you’re doing. I care.

Contemplation: Have you had an unexplained visit?

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

© 2023 Our New Chances

Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau