Trust Issues While Grieving

Friends are visiting. I met one of them on a professional level through my wife's illness. Generally professionals are indoctrinated not to become socially involved when professional services are involved. We are Lez. We are exempt.

Somehow this relationship clicked. It is a friendship. There was not a sexual attraction, just an appreciation for each other's character.

This new friend kept in touch after my wife died. She offered her hand if it was needed, suggested resources, if requested.

In turn, I offered her visiting rights at my summer house, where it is considerably cooler and where there is a lake and interesting things to see and do

She took me up on it. She had established a new relationship with a wonderful woman, and wanted her to be welcomed also. Of course.

She told me she had never stayed with anyone else before in their home. If she visited anywhere, she stayed in a hotel or motel.

What a compliment.

What a message.

She was telling me she trusted me. We didn’t have extensive personal history to really warrant such a trust. She knew what my professional parameters were.

She is meticulous about her person, about her surroundings. All are clean, organized, persistent. She is kind and caring.

The joke at my home is if you visit you have to cook. She is a wonderful cook and takes her responsibility seriously.

My housekeeping isn’t stellar. I knew my countertops were not up to standard by the time of her arrival. I shared I wouldn’t be offended by any of her raids on my countertops. She believed me and went to work on them. She took care of them in fast order. Wiped, sterilized, organized. Now they shine. She trusted what I said was what I live by.

She also trusted that conversations we might have would be confidential, not broadcast to anyone else we might know in common. Campfire talks can reveal very personal information.

We both know persons that have a tendency to take personal information and use it for essentially blackmail or cause for embarrassment.

She didn’t have to make me promise not to spread personal information about her. She trusted me that I wouldn’t even consider such a thing.

Establishing trust is usually a matter of establishing history. We trusted each other by reputation.

Some people are very trusting. They reveal private information to others they don’t know. Get embarrassed when information is spread. Loan money, expecting it will be returned. Loan tools to anyone who asks, expecting they will be returned.

Defenses need to be kept in place until trustworthiness is demonstrated.

Many people are not trustworthy, and have to be guarded against. If in a grieving state as I still am, I am vulnerable; can easily let down defenses, become targets for unscrupulous people and scammers. I have to determine others’ value systems.

While this new friend evidenced trust in my person and my home, I too evidenced trust in her. She is not going to put away dishes not clean. She is not going to leave her suite dirty or messy. She is not going to slip personal items from my home into her suitcase. She is not going to broadcast my personal information.

I know this information about her from the professional history we have had. I know her new significant other is going to have the same value system, or she wouldn’t be with her.

What are issues, are situations involving the trustworthiness of others, without the benefit of any history.

I won’t be inviting any of them to stay at my house

Let me know how you are doing. I care

Contemplation: Trust is as trust does

Sincerely

Lynn Brooke

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Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau