There are Good and Bad Days while Grieving- Hang On

Life lesson: There will be good and bad days. Reach for the positive.

There doesn’t seem to be any pattern to the succession of good days versus bad days. Some days are just not good. Grief slaps me across the face, knocks me down and makes me cry. I want to throw myself off a cliff, figuratively speaking.

This particular day did not start out well. I broke my routine this morning. I opened the door for the dog and instead of watching to make sure she did her business, I went and took care of mine.

The next thing I know, she was doing her business where she wasn’t supposed to do her business. She seems so frightened most of the time and I think she is afraid I will leave her like her preferred human mother, my wife, did. She appears to rely on a strict routine to get her through the day. When I do routine things around the house, she gets in her basket and sleeps. If I change clothes to go out, she follows me around with her tail down, all bowed up, almost as if she is in pain. She looks like I beat her. I feel sorry for the dog and I feel sorry for myself.

I guess bad days are like that for me too. My routine gets broken and the day takes a turn for the worse. I open a drawer I haven't opened in a long time. I haven’t cleaned out the drawer since my wife passed so I grab a notepad that has a reminder she wrote for herself to do something. Or a song plays on the radio or TV that is a special song for us.

The days are getting longer and she was a sunshine person. She was always sunny in the morning.

Grieving is so difficult. It seems like it would diminish with time. When it hits me now, after all of this time, it is just as painful as it ever was. I can understand why people drink or choose other self-defeating behaviors. I can understand anything to diminish the pain. Be very careful with gummy bears, though, if you choose to attempt to deaden the pain.

I don't want to choose self-defeating behaviors. I want to re-enter life. Sometimes I wonder why. They say take it one day at a time. I don’t want days like this.

There are things that have helped me get through these bad days. I try to remember them.

Some are positive. Sometimes I find things that are proactive and action-oriented.

I find a project, anything to keep me busy.

I try to interact with people, whether they are friends, or even strangers.

Sometimes I’ll just take a nap.

I have noticed when I am tired, I have decreased resistance.

Sometimes I don’t eat properly. I’ll eat a bar for breakfast when I didn’t eat much the night before, which leaves my body vulnerable.

Maybe today I’ll just hold the dog. Of course, that is only if she wants me to.

Let me know how your days are going. I care.

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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