Procrastination and Guilt

It was cool this morning and I looked forward to finishing the sprinkler repair job I started last week. I hooked it up, turned it on and the water didn’t sprinkle. I uttered many bad words. I fooled around with it and found a control knob. That worked. The plants were watered. The only problem was, it wouldn’t turn off. This was the same problem all winter.

I have spent how many hours fooling around with the sprinkler valve. I finally gave up and installed a brand new valve and it doesn’t work either. Here it is, only days before I am scheduled to migrate. I still have to pack. I still have to notify all the services here and there of my departure and arrival dates. I still want to spend time with friends here before I leave.

Why didn’t I work on this earlier in the year? True, I was seriously grieving. I was being knocked down and weakened with each episode. True, the weather was not nice. It was cold and rainy a lot of the time. True, I was spending time trying to meet and interact with new friends. True, I had many house projects going on.

True, I am a procrastinator. I just sometimes put things off. I set things down with the intent of putting them away later. I am a person who seems to create clutter.

My wife finished whatever she started right then. The job wasn’t finished until the tools, papers, phone calls, etcetera were completed. Her jobs were always completed.

The door to my room was kept shut.

What I haven’t procrastinated about is grieving. I have experienced the pain, exhaustion and sorrow I could not put off. I could avoid some of it, but what is unavoidable are the unexpected episodes of picking up a possession, opening a drawer and finding some reminder, picking up a notepad and finding a long ago notation on it, hearing a special song or all of a sudden seeing how the sunset has traveled to her birthdate location.

Why didn’t I put stuff away before? Why didn’t I keep the house free of clutter? One of the devastating occurrences with loss of a loved one is guilt. Why didn’t I do things sooner and/or better? Why didn’t I get her to the doctor sooner? I could have saved her. I could have kept the illness at bay.

I feel my procrastination augmented her death. That may not be realistic, however, emotions have nothing to do with fact. Now I have dumped guilt on top of loss. The burden is overwhelming.

I can pick up and put things away, but I can't bring her back. I have procrastinated my guilt.

She would have been on me to fix the sprinkler last winter. I can only grieve.

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Contemplation: Are you a procrastinator? Are you suffering the consequences?

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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