Our Selfish Selves

Hidden, and outward, protective behaviors can undermine us equally.

Did you get your preventive shots yet? Covid, flu and RSV vaccines are for us older ones. I took the dog to get groomed yesterday and instead of going home and coming back, I went and got mine. I get mine at the grocery store where I can get a 10% off coupon for groceries, just for getting my shots there.

The needle goes in and then the vaccine comes out. You can’t see the vaccine. It gets injected into the muscle, waiting for the body to respond to it. It builds up resistance to germs and viruses that we might be exposed to in the future.

It’s an invisible process. I know it’s working because I can barely raise my arms. I got one in each arm. I decided I may as well be miserable all at once. The vaccines are working. They will keep out or deal with the Covid or the flu viruses.

These are covert reactions, behind the scenes. Not like the overt reactions and events that I have been warned against so many times. How I became friends with a psychologist, I’ll never know. (Maybe she thought she could save me.) Anyway, she would say, “Lynn, a lot of my clients (maybe all) have self-defeating behaviors. Don’t do any of them. If you have an emotion, express it. Don’t try to hide or bury it by drinking or overeating or so on. The same with grief. It has to be expressed to allow healing to occur.”

So I try to take her advice.

What she didn’t once warn me about, were the covert reactions. These seem to me to be as devastating and self-defeating as the overt ones. We have all been educated that denial is a major reaction to devastating loss. I can attest to that. It was like, intellectually, I was aware of what was going on after my wife’s death, but couldn’t bring it home, couldn’t believe it. That passed for me after a period of time. I became aware of others.

Self-protectiveness is probably not in the medical journal under that name, but I think it comes into play after a devastating loss. It hurts so much that what we want to do is wrap ourselves in bubble wrap. We don't want to feel that hurt. It is devastating. Our heart has been ripped out. We want to contain the hurt, so we close off.

Possessiveness is not one I see in the hospice guidebook. It is an overt quality exemplified by covert action. I wanted to hang onto my wife. Her memories engulf me. I didn’t want to share any of myself because I had her here, in my heart.

Our selfishness accompanies our possessiveness. I could not let go of my wife until I became ashamed of my behavior by the generosity of a friend. She asked my permission if she could walk, to honor my wife, on a special day designated to do so. All I was doing in my wife’s honor was holding onto her. I could not share any of myself, because I was so enchained within my loss and grief, it would have been devastating to let go. What was I without her?

Patricia Cornwall, a fiction writer, describes this adherence. In essence, to let go of grief, to acknowledge loss, would be an acceptance that the loss occurred. She (my wife) is no longer here. All I have is yesterday. I will hang onto that. I will not give up my own self. I will protect myself at all costs. I will be selfish.

I have questioned my courage over and over. What is it? How do you know if you, if I, have it? How do you get it if you don’t have any? I have studied other people who I know have courage. I haven't found an answer. I have just seen the outcome of it. My wife had more courage than 10 men. She was not consumed by fear. She would confront bullies, shred ridiculous precedences, demand appropriate behavior, admit her shortcomings, tell the truth. I rode along in her wake and she protected me.

I have choices. I can live in fear. I can fear my disintegration if I acknowledge she is gone, that I am the one facing the world now. I don’t have her skills, her perceptiveness, her social adeptness. I just have me.

I can hide. I can isolate myself. I can withdraw with my memories.

Or, I can take risks. Do I have the courage to open a door? Can I talk with the man in the waiting room at the pharmacy? Can I take little steps? I don’t have to fling the door wide-open, I can open it a crack at a time.

I think that is courage. I may try to find some to open the door.

What I do try to remember is that these covert behaviors can be life-altering, decimating. These sneaky, covert, self-defeating behaviors have consequences as serious as the overt behaviors. The pain and consequences just present in a different manner. They kill and maim us, as well. We tell ourselves so many lies to protect ourselves, our selfish selves.

The flu shot protects us from overt disease and attempts to keep us healthy. Wouldn’t it be nice to get a syringe full of love and courage, a booster shot, to protect us from ourselves? Better yet, the big gun, a live vaccine, that would help our self to escape from its selfish self and to assist us in re-entering life. A booster to become whole in body, mind and emotion.

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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