Nostalgia: Christmas

Projects are ongoing. Why can’t one trip to the store for supplies take care of all requirements?

There it was, turning ahead of me. It was a low-slung blue convertible. Brain flash. Emotional dump.

My late wife’s most favorite toy was her Mercedes 450 SL. It was an unlikely car for her to buy. She usually had a conventional car, which she would drive until the wheels came off. She wouldn’t spend her own money on anything impractical. I bought her the car as a gift. Actually I gave her $100 and told her what it was for, but she had to pay it off.

She loved that car. She drove it fast and large. She was right for the car and the car was right for her.

But why does the Brain flash arrive today? My brain has become adjusted to her absence.

Christmas is fast approaching and will soon be behind us.

Christmas for many years now has been just another day. She had Dementia and it wiped out her knowledge of the present. She was just happy every day to see people, whether she knew them or not. She had a dog on her lap. She didn’t know why she was here with me, the stranger, and not in her home with her mother, but she didn’t make an issue out of it. She trusted me.

I won’t put up a tree this year or decorate inside. It will be just another day. Decorations are for children and shared loved ones, not a pity-party. I just don't want to expend the energy required to decorate. The baubles don't give me joy. I put reindeer and lights around outside. Those make me smile. There are children in the neighborhood and I think they like the display.

We didn’t go all out for Christmas when we did celebrate the day. A tree, some lights and decorations inside were the sum of our celebratory decor. One present, plus all of the obligatory things — new socks, underwear and pajamas. We didn’t spend money on frivolities. What we bought was practical and didn’t put us into debt, except for her car.

She never told me what Christmas was like for her growing up. I didn’t tell her about mine. We were children of the Great Depression, living pretty tight after the war (World War II). We grew up with an appreciation of the value of a dollar and how hard it was to get any, let alone spend it foolishly when we did.

So I may buy myself a present this year. A tool I have been wanting. I will get her little dog something. Little Dog doesn’t know what day it is either, so we are keeping in tune with the past.

But, why the brain flash today? My head has become accustomed to my wife’s demise. It is right for her to be gone. She didn’t have to endure the terrible period of total physical regression that happens with Dementia, where the body totally deteriorates, where this beautiful woman would have regressed into nothingness.

And I didn’t have to endure what would have been torture for me. I most likely wouldn't have survived.

The emotional system just doesn’t pay any attention to the brain. It just emotes. It doesn’t care a whit if the brain is in a different zone. It just lets loose whenever and for whatever reason it chooses. It triggers the physical self and actually overrides the physical self. 

Caution: I don't try to make decisions during these episodes as the brain is not working! When the memories hit, they can be so powerful that I can be overcome with emotion and think there is no way to ever experience joy again. When all seems hopeless and time seems endless, it is not time to take drastic actions.

It is not the time to harm oneself.

It is not the time to dispose of precious possessions.

It is not the time for other self-defeating behaviors.

It is important to wait another day. Things can become clearer with time.

Today it was the sight of the blue convertible. I will be sensible and won't put a gold coin in the kettle outside the grocery store.

Tomorrow who knows what will set off the brain flash and emotional dump. 

Whatever it is or will be, it is OK. It is a measure of the love I had, and continue to have for her. I will keep on providing whatever I can to honor her memory.

The brain can't squash that.

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Consideration: What place does nostalgia play in our lives?

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau