Life after Loss: Alternate Family Members

Life lesson: Appreciate the joy of a pet.

My little dog got an ear infection a week ago. Poodles have small ear canals and a lot of hair in their ears. Treatment only cured part of it, so we had to go back to the vet. Not only is it difficult for a little pet, an alternate family member, to be ill, the vet bill is astronomical.

But what would we do without our alternate family members? Many of us, such as myself, are alone in whatever abode we live in. There may be a neighbor next door, but that is not the case when we get home from wherever we have been, or in the evening, or when we wake up in the night, without that friend to greet us. We have that QUIET HOUSE talked about earlier in my journey with you. Its when the loss, the emptiness, the grief reaction hits. our alternate family members divert us from the pain. They are our grief support team in many instances.

After lunch with a friend and my grief partner the other day, I asked our friend if she would be able to have a pet in her independent living facility. She said she didn’t think so. I asked her if she would like, or would be able to have, a nonintrusive pet like a goldfish. She said she communicated with fish, but she didn’t feel comfortable having one.

What a dilemma for those of us who most need someone or something in our lives with which to interact! There seems to be overwhelming obstacles which prevent the basic comfort of another sentient being.

It is wonderful to get out of the house and interact with people. It fulfills a basic need we herd animals have. It’s coming home that can be like entering a void.

A dog has been described as the only living creature that gives their love with no expectations of receiving anything in return. Fortunately, most dogs like human contact. Some resources say there are dogs that like to be hugged, but mine doesn’t. She just wants to be scratched and sit on people.

Cats love to sit on you when they want. They make great companions, require less hands-on care than dogs and can be left at home alone for a little while. I had cats the entire time I was growing up, but my spouse convinced me a dog would be a good substitute.

Other companions, like hamsters, rats, fish or lizards, may not provide the same interaction as dog and cat pets, but they are meaningful to the person selecting them. A woman I knew had a tarantula for a pet. She had to catch, or buy, flies and insects for it. That was weird to me, but she was very upset when it died. For sure, all pets are company and provide a purpose in one’s life. They have to be cared for and have their needs determined. Most importantly, they keep the house from the DREADED QUIET!

I believe the ideal is for a pet to become a beloved family member. If you are considering this, please be able to meet and apply the following basic standards.

A. Choose a pet that is compatible with your physical capabilities.

1. Is your memory good enough to keep track of your pets’ needs?

2. Dogs need to be walked. Are you physically able to walk a dog?

3. Litter boxes need to be emptied. Can you bend, lift and scrub a litter box?

B. Choose a pet compatible with your living arrangements. It’s sometimes hard to have a big dog in a small apartment.

C. Are your finances adequate to support this addition to the household?

D. Do you have the resources to look after your pet if you have to be away for a while?

E. Do you have the patience to endure what may at first seem like an intrusion into your life?

Please do not expect any of the following from your new family member.

A. Behave perfectly.

B. Take care of themselves.

C. Endure physical and/or emotional neglect.

D. Be welcome everywhere you are.

Hopefully, you have, or will have, the joy of one of these alternate family members. They are, or can be, a valuable asset in your journey to re-enter life, a life that is vastly different from before.

I don’t know how I could face most days without this little jumpy poodle in my life.

Let me know how you’re doing. I care.

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau