Día de los Muertos

De los Muertos is November 1 and 2nd. This is a celebration to remember and honor the dead. It is mainly an event celebrated in Mexican culture and is intended to facilitate the return of loved ones for a visit on those days. The actual ritual begins October 28, with lighting a candle and placing a white flower on the ofrenda, the altar.

Last year, the home health woman who cared for my wife during the last years of her illness, inquired if I would mind if she walked for her in her honor? A de los Muertos parade was planned in a neighboring town and it was a big event. Of course I didn’t mind. I was honored. I was also ashamed.

I had done everything in my power to keep my wife with me. I clung to her memory. I refused to interact with others. I mourned and wept for her. For me.

She had been with me for over 50 years. We had our hard times, cross words and a period of separation, but we still loved each other until the dreaded disease took her mind, which took her memory of me.

She loved to agitate, create mischief and challenge.

What she did best was to always be there. When I needed a boost, she was there. When I had a new idea, she promoted it. She made me a better woman.

Even in her illness, she would be with me in the car, although in the passenger seat now. She would chastise me for driving too fast. That was such a reversal.

She still knew I was her special person.

I couldn’t imagine life without her.

She was the last child of 10. Two had died in between her birth and those two before her. She was a miracle to her mother, a small bundle to be protected and adored. And she adored her mother. She acknowledged her mother’s intelligence and perceptiveness. Her mother, in turn, moved mountains to obtain the best for her, including physically moving into a different state in order to obtain a superior education for her. What she probably didn’t anticipate, was the resistance to all of her efforts. My wife was an athlete and her mom wanted her to protect her skin from the sun. She played sports in the sun. She was a lesbian who her mom initially expected to find a good husband and provide grandchildren. Her mother recognized her superior intelligence, curiosity and technical skills. She encouraged and promoted those skills. She wanted her daughter to be college educated, but she refused and went to work. They had a love/reject, mother/daughter relationship.

When my wife was 21, of legal age, she defied her mother and joined the U.S. Air Force with a woman with which she was involved. She didn’t return to her birth home afterward.

She found her way to me, who equally adored and worshiped her. I also did not want to be apart from her, even with her severe illness.

Then came the wake-up call from her caretaker, her friend. “She is gone. I want to honor her.”

How selfish I had been. I kept her with me. It was time for me to accept reality, to release her.

I prepared messages to communicate with her. It left me physically nonfunctional. I ended up on the floor, rolling in pain, knowing I had to do the right thing. I finally gathered enough courage to send my messages, to fly them into the air for my airwoman to receive.

I was exhausted. I had released her from me. I had sent her to her mother.

It was the beginning of healing for me, a process that is slowly mending the rents in my heart.

Now it is again de los Muertos in a few weeks.

I will prepare a celebration for my wife who has gone to the other side. I will build an altar, an ofrenda, close to the traditional. It will reflect the appropriate components.

The four directions.

The four elements.

Water, wind, earth and fire.

There will be flowers, marigolds, in colors of yellow and orange.

There will be food, her favorite, tamales and bread.

There will also be her favorite beer.

Salt, to provide strength.

Candles of white and purple.

A windmill.

Sand.

Photos.

Momentos.

Water and soap and towel.

Our saying was “three girls against the world.” Two humans and one dog. Now, it will be one human and one dog who will be honoring our third, who is no longer here. I will light a candle, place a flower and send our messages to her.

I will welcome my wife to visit me and not be tempted to keep her here with me. It is important for her to be with her like kind. It is important for me to continue to heal, to move on with my life.

We will welcome any visitors from beyond who choose to join us. Those of us on this earth will share food and remembrances of those who have gone before us.

I am old. It will not be that many more years until I will join her there.

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Contemplation: How important is it to remember our loved ones who have gone before us, to celebrate our memories and welcome their visits?

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau