Dreaded Holidays are Here

The message from our governor has been nonstop on every TV channel at all times of the day. The message is that we need to intervene with domestic violence, speak up and stop the violence.

These are pleas to the community, to the abusers, to the victims. Stop it.

Unfortunately, the pleas go unanswered. What they do is bring up images of some of the women who used to work for me and some of my friends from the past. These women who were in abusive relationships.

The women whose images sometimes run through my head at night, keeping me awake. The images that have no damper to lessen my grief at this time of year, the grief from the loss of my wife.

These messages are for good reason. Some reports say there is an increase in domestic abuse over the holidays. That means over the holidays; but ongoing for the rest of the year.

Christmas, professed by many as the most wonderful time of the year, where packages are placed under the tree and goodwill is shared by all is, for many, a time of fear and dread, dominated by abuse. 

There are extra pressures on most of us during the holiday season. You are well aware of the potential for any and all of the following: 

• Increased financial issues and spending.

• Increased use of alcohol and/or other substances.

• Increased time at home and togetherness with immediate and extended family and friends, which can be stressful. 

• Increased expectations and gatherings, which may lead to anything from increased anxiety to uncontrollable rage.

There is fear of more and increased violence. Victims have become subdued into complacency and hopelessness. Their souls have been murdered. Others believe the story: “I am so sorry, it will never happen again,” but it does, again and again. 

This seems to be a pattern, mostly women gradually devolving into acceptance of their worthiness to be abused. They come to believe they cause the abuse and that they deserve it. Once in, it is very difficult to get out. It takes belief in their self-worth, which has been pummeled.

I couldn’t stop the abuse of the women who worked for me, or of my friend in the same situation. 

My friend couldn't, or wouldn't, get out. She was afraid of staying and afraid of leaving.

What I could and did do was employ women who were in domestic violence situations, ensure they had a job and money. It wasn’t enough. 

What I can do now is offer resources, personal reinforcement of our friends' worth and offer encouragement to seek help by professionals.

There are community resources, such as shelters, counseling, legal and hospital advocacy.

There are hotlines:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Phone: 1-800-799-7233

Text: START to 88788

LGBTQIA+ community

Phone: 1-866-488-7386

Text: START to 678678

Youth line, ages 11 to 21

Phone: 1-877-968-8491

Text: teen2teen to 839863

We can’t stop the abuse. I can’t stop the abuse and the violence. The frustration at not being able to help is immeasurable. It intensifies the grief that I have. The grieving for her, my past wife, the grieving for these abused women who also may have little or no joy.

We can keep hoping those in abusive situations can garner enough courage to exit their situations, to find a new beginning.

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Contemplation: Can we have faith that change can occur?

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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