Decision Making Authority in Re-Entering Life

When my wife and I moved our business to a new state, there was a lot of construction to be done. I was in charge of supervising construction. I didn’t know anything about construction.

Workers arrived and it didn’t appear to me that they knew much about construction either. Things didn’t get off to a good start, let alone instill confidence in me. There would be huddles of men, who would then go off and start to do things. Of course, I had to see what they were doing, with no knowledge of what I would be looking at. I had to rely on impressions. It would seem to me that whatever they were doing was not what should be done. By the time I confronted them and things changed, the same stuff would be going on at the opposite end of the construction site.

Time after time, I would hear, “I thought you would like it this way.” This was a male-dominated society. (Don’t they all try to be?) I expect it never dawned on any of them that I might not like it the way they decided it should be done.

The few (4) derogatory names challenged men can come up with to describe women, supposedly out of hearing, aren’t very creative.

I have three separate sets of friends who have decided I would love, benefit and prosper by moving into a care facility. Selective and progressive care. My mobility issues are noticeable, but not debilitating. I visited one. It is gorgeous. Units are separate and new. Everything is provided, including meals, cleaning services, activities and health checkups. I hated it. I would stick out like a sore thumb. It is for the “other universe.”

Another was very nice, but not to the level of the first. I didn’t even bother to hate it.

My friend at the second facility says she doesn’t go to activities anymore. It is the same thing over-and-over. She sits in her room a lot.

My friend’s husband became very ill and had to be admitted onto their assisted unit at the first facility. He hated it. He is extremely brilliant. There are rules upon rules upon rules. He didn’t like having to have meals, bathing, lights out, etcetera, at a prescribed time. These rules are necessary to enable care to be given, but his decision making was taken from him and it was unacceptable.

There are a lot of rules out there that I don’t like. Many of them are laws. I realize there have to be rules and laws or there would be chaos. I don't like it when I am expected to park my car between tiny lines.They’re painted tiny for tiny cars, which I don't have.

The other day, a man at the grocery store told me I had to take my shopping cart to the collective tunnel for carts. I asked him if he was the cart police. He was a customer at the store. I expect from that “other universe.” I wonder if his wife died and he didn’t have anyone to boss around so he looked for targets at the store. He chose the wrong target.

I wanted ground beef for a recipe. I told the clerk I wanted one pound. He used the remainder in the case and it wasn’t one pound. He asked me if I wanted to add some of the other, which was a different percentage. I assured him it would be OK. That was a small decision, but it was my decision to make. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t care if the pound was off a tenth of a pound. He treated me like an adult, leaving the decision to me, and didn’t just wrap up the remainder without asking.

These little decisions come up frequently and frequently others decide to make them. Am I a child because I am old? Do I look feeble minded? Is it because others think they know best? What is it with them?

Sometimes others do have to make decisions. There is no democracy when someone’s heart stops. The person in charge at that time and place says, “charge,” to get the heart beating again.

Position also gives power and decisions are made. There are numerous studies that illustrate how wrong many of these decisions are. The decisions would be much better if discussed.

My doctor doesn’t want me to take certain medications, which I am better off taking. I found a different doctor. Doctors prescribe by “the best for the majority rule” and dose for a majority weight. I have a friend who absolutely will not go against what her doctor says, which I question, but it is her decision. I am an individual, not the majority. I have a say in my medical care.

As I am beginning to re-enter life, I face these decisions frequently. I expect I am also beginning to notice them more frequently. A lecturer at a conference I once attended advised to “choose what hill you want to die on.” It takes a lot of energy to constantly fight for autonomy.

I don’t have a lot of hills left. I think I will only take on those that attempt to lecture, chastise and make decisions for me. I may even park over the lines.

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Contemplation: Who is in charge of your life?

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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