Boundaries

Barriers and assets to re-entering life

Life lesson: Boundaries may need an occasional tune up.

I was out of the house today and met an old friend I hadn’t seen in a long time. In the process of catching up, I shared that my loved one had passed on. I immediately started crying, then she started crying, and there we were, both of us blubbering away and feeling comfortable with each other in doing so. We had opened our boundary doors to each other.

I am an extremely private person who just doesn’t exhibit emotions. So private and contained, in fact, someone once asked me if I ever had sex. To me, that was very rude and derogatory. It was a clear violation of my boundaries and I am no longer in contact with that person.

Boundaries, like the walls of our homes, are the walls used to protect ourselves. Just as we permit someone to enter our home after they have knocked at the door and been invited inside, so are the boundaries of ourselves. I don’t let many outsiders in.

Boundaries are learned at a very early age and are taught by our parents, then reinforced by our friends as we grow older. Lack of boundaries, or those that are too rigid, can result in difficulties during life.

Children who have been violated by their parents, other adults and even older siblings, have not had the chance to establish personal boundaries. They have had no chance to establish the right of personhood. As these children mature, they become targets and a predator can spot them a mile away. They become sexual objects to be violated. They become enablers by giving away their services and money. They may wear themselves into the ground being used by others.

Children who have established boundaries have been taught by their parents, school, religion and communities. They have learned rules of behavior as established by their parents. They have learned rules of conduct in school. They have been taught the basis of the 10 Commandments through religion and they have learned rules of law as established by their community.

So how do healthy boundaries assist us in re-entering life after severe loss or the passing of a loved one?

Boundaries permit us to feel and exhibit grief. We know it is not appropriate to tell the woman buying vegetables next to us about our loss and dump a load of grief on her. We know there are barriers others have established and we need to respect these. Sometimes my grief is so intense, I want the entire world to know how it decimates me. I keep it private, I express grief in my own home.

One of the frailties during the grieving process is the lowering of our defenses. We become vulnerable, targets. We can easily enter into scams and lose large amounts of money, which nearly happened to me. Fortunately, I woke up at the last minute and was able to stop the process. We can be preyed upon sexually. We can exhibit behaviors not normally indicative of us. We can lose sight of restrictive clues signaled by others and behave inappropriately.

While we must permit ourselves to grieve, we must also understand that we may have been numb and totally blind to the needs of others. I have created a prison of emotion. The doors are shut and locked. I have not been aware of some of the problems my friends were having.

As we emerge, little-by-little, back into life, we can become more aware and re-establish our boundaries.

Following are some signs that our boundaries may need tuning up.

1. Drinking too much or becoming anesthetized by drugs.

2. Dumping our grief on anyone and everyone.

3. Discarding rules of conduct and rules of law.

4. Discovering we have fallen into bad habits.

5. Disrespecting others.

I have discarded or relaxed boundaries in some instances and have suffered consequences. What a reality check. These are difficult times and, like an adolescent, sometimes we behave maturely and sometimes we behave like children.

It is OK to accept ourselves and honor ourselves. We also need to tune up our boundaries as we work to re-enter life.

The answer to the question was yes.

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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Photo credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau