Being Alone

Life Lesson: Loneliness can precipitate positive or unhealthy behaviors.

Through the death of a loved one, divorce or children growing up and leaving the home, we eventually find ourselves alone for one reason or another. The fact that there is nobody else in the home is the cause of a “quiet house.” There is no noise and no one to sit down and share dinner with you. There is no one to share a beautiful sunrise. There is no one to laugh with you when something amusing happens on TV. There is no one to buy something for at the store.There is no one to greet you when you return home.

There is great comfort in sitting next to someone who cares. There is comfort in talking about what’s happening in the world. There is comfort in sharing. There is comfort in someone who listens. There is comfort in not being alone. Being alone feels like a bottomless pit. It is dreadful. It is painful. I want to get out of that pit.

Being alone is not the same as being lonely. You can be lonely in a crowd or when there is someone standing next to you. Loneliness can be felt when someone just isn’t a real good match for you, don’t truly understand you or are wrapped up in themselves. They are there, but not “with you.”

My take on “being alone” is this bottomless pit that could easily lead to self-destructive behaviors. You see one person going to the bar, picking up whoever is available and going home with them just to avoid being alone for that night. You see another person sitting in front of the TV, endlessly watching drivel, just to fill in the time. You see another person taking a drink to dull the pain, then another and another until the pain can no longer be felt. Yet another person may ask for anti-anxiety pills to numb the feeling of being alone. Some watch YouTube and interact with strangers for hours. Some eat to avoid feeling empty, or shop just to get out of the empty house or buy online to be able to speak with the package delivery person. Some live with domestic violence, and have allowed themselves to be “brainwashed” into staying due to fear of leaving said horrible relationship and finding themselves alone.

Some of you may recognize yourself in similar situations as you learn to combat being alone. You may be organizing endless projects or social obligations simply to fill the time and “be” with someone regardless of whether it is healthy or not.

Being alone can easily precipitate a slippery slide into evasive behaviors. I don’t want to find myself mired in unhealthy behavior patterns. “Not being alone” is a powerful motivator. If it could be harnessed, it would probably provide enough electricity to light up an entire city block. So how do we address ‘not being alone?” Oftentimes, this results in the “hunt,” which is hunting for a mate, any mate.

Males can be relentless when they want a woman. Some women take on male specimens, who may already be in various states of decomposition, to fulfill the need to have a mate. Older women may check themselves into adult care facilities, which are reminiscent of Ancient Puebloans, designed so that there is always someone right next door.

What is the answer? How does one actually fill this void, the need “not be alone?” We are herd animals. I crave companionship.

The key, in my opinion, is courage. It takes courage to address responsible behaviors with which to meet this sometimes overwhelming need to “not be alone.” It takes courage to avoid an oftentimes mesmerizing temptation to overeat, drink excessively, binge-watch television or act out sexually. It takes courage to confront the pain of being alone. It takes courage to avoid the slippery slope of settling for some inadequate substitution.

This is where we need to water our “pots of promise.” I want to water my pots of promise and I want you to be able to water yours.

The major, most responsible, action is to “feel the pain”. I have been told to do this. How terrifying. What if it consumes us? What if the pain is too severe to endure? The body will tell you when it has had enough. Feeling the pain may consist of short bursts over an extended period of time. If it can be objectified, as in mindfulness, it can be compartmentalized and observed as “pain over there.” Once the pain can be identified, channeled and under our control, responsible behaviors and alternative solutions can be instituted and enacted. I hope I have enough courage.

The bottom line is that we are still herd animals. Maybe it really is time to move into the pueblo, or village. Maybe it is time to consider responsible dating. It is definitely not the time to further isolate ourselves. Moving across the country to be with our children may not be the best solution as that entails leaving the community where we feel welcomed. It may result in placing ourselves in more isolation, brewing more feelings of being alone.

Finding alternative relationships may be more beneficial. Looking for social connections through new people and doing new things may be the answer. Find that friend, play cards, schedule a lunch date or attend a social gathering of like-minded people. Make the extra effort to fulfill the need for togetherness. Confront the loneliness head on, motivate yourself to “not be alone” and fill your pots of promise. I am trying to find my herd.

Let me know how you are doing. I care.

Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke

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Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau